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75 Best Burns From the Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe

By / Published on Tuesday, 06 Sep 2016 15:52 PM / No Comments / 103 views

Rob Lowe is not a trailblazer—at least, as far as Monday’s Comedy Central Roast was concerned. Following in the footsteps of Pamela Anderson, Justin Bieber, James Franco and others, the 52-year-old actor allowed comics and friends to mock him mercilessly. On the dais: Jimmy Carr, Ann Coulter, Pete Davidson, Nikki Glaser, Jewel, Ralph Macchio, Peyton Manning, Rob Riggle and Jeff Ross. The show was simulcast on Comedy Central, Spike and TV Land at 10 p.m.

Spade served as the Roast Master.

Taped Aug. 27 on the Sony lot outside Hollywood, the roasters took turns teasing the 52-year-old man-of-honor—and, of course, each other. After Lowe, Coulter was the night’s main target. “I’m just glad there’s something left of me,” the actor told reporters after the taping. “I think I’m in tatters still up there on that stage. But they were all so funny and I just love a good joke.”

In Lowe’s opinion, did any of the jokes go too far? “It’s like you’re in the NFL—you hit hard,” said the star, whose friend Gwyneth Paltrow declined to do the roast. “This is the NFL. You’re here to hit hard. There are other places to do soft jokes. You want to bring your soft s–t, f–king do a late night show. But if you’re on a Comedy Central roast, you better bring your A-game.”

Here are the comedy special’s 75 best burns (in no particular order):

Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe

Christopher Polk/Getty Images

Jimmy Carr:

• “In the ’80s Rob was a member of the Brat Pack. Or as they’re now collectively known, the C-List.”

• “Ralph Macchio: Obviously not the first choice of Rob’s ’80s co-stars to be here tonight, but Tom Cruise is too famous and Patrick Swayze isn’t answering his phone. When Comedy Central was putting together the lineup for tonight, Ralph Macchio’s name was at the very top of the list—and that list was marked ‘Worst Case Scenario.'”

• “Ann is one of the most repugnant, hateful, hatchet-face bitches alive. It’s not too late to change, Ann. You could kill yourself.”

• “Jewel has an incredible voice, an incredible body…and a face!”

• “My friends back home aren’t going to believe it when I tell them that they let me roast Charlie Sheen’s brother’s best friend.”

Ann Coulter:

• “I want to welcome you all to the Ann Coulter roast with Rob Lowe.”

• “If you’ve ever asked yourself, ‘Who do I have to screw to get a TV show in Hollywood?’ Nikki has the actual list.”

• “We have comedian Jimmy Carr with us because of [Barack] Obama‘s lax immigration policy.”

Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe

Christopher Polk/Getty Images

Pete Davidson:

• “Let’s give it up for Rob Lowe—or as gonorrhea doctors call him, Patient Zero.”

• “Ann Coulter and no black people? What are we roasting? A cross?”

• “Last year we had Martha Stewart, who sells sheets, and this year we have Ann Coulter, who cuts holes in them. You racist c–t.”

• “Ann Coulter is here. If you are here, Ann, who is scaring the crows away from our crops?”

• “Peyton Manning’s here. I f–king love Peyton Manning. He’s the s–t. Peyton looks like a football player’s evolved to no longer need helmets.”

• “People call Rob Lowe a bad actor, but that’s because they never saw him tell his wife he didn’t f–k that nanny.”

Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe

Christopher Polk/Getty Images

Nikki Glaser:

• “Rob defies age…restrictions. Really, you’re a f–king Adonis. I hate you. You look like you’re sculpted. You put the ‘statue’ in ‘statutory rape.’ God, I had such a crush on you when I was a little girl. If only I’d known that’s when I had my best shot.”

• “God, it’s white up here. It’s the only way we could get Ann Coulter, though.”

• “Ann, you are awful. The only person you will ever make happy is the Mexican who digs your grave.”

• “Ann Coulter has written 11 books—12 if you include Mein Kampf.”

• “Oh, Ann. What’s it like to be a real life super villain? I’d ask you how you sleep at night, but I assume it’s upside down in a coat like in 101 Dalmatians.”

• “[Peyton], you’re like the Tom Brady of being in commercials. Like, the greatest.”

• “Jewel is here. Or as I call her, Trailer Swift.”

• “Jewel, I don’t want to badmouth you, since God already did. Your teeth are like the Spice Girls: They’re all different colors and doing their own thing.”

Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe

Christopher Polk/Getty Images

Jewel:

• “People may be wondering what my connection is to Rob. Well, years ago I was cast in a show called Lyon’s Den. I’m sure none of you saw it, because it starred Rob Lowe. The first script said that Rob and I had to kiss, but I asked if they could rewrite it, because I knew where that mouth had been. But they said no, and I had to do it, so I was fired from the show for not being excited about sucking his face, while Rob was fired for sucking.”

• “I do want to say, as a feminist, that I can’t support everything that’s been said tonight. But as someone who hates Ann Coulter, I’m delighted.”

• “Jeff Ross is going to party like it’s 1999. Ann Coulter is going to vote like it’s 1899.”

• “Look at this little nugget, Pete Davidson. It’s hard to recognize him when he’s not on SNL, or not on an adventure with the man with the yellow hat.”

• “Rob Riggle, you look like every dad who can’t handle having a gay son.”

• “Peyton Manning is here because Eli [Manning] is still out there making his dad proud.”

• “David Spade has slept with some of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, proving just how ugly show business makes women feel.”

• “Who doesn’t love Ralph Macchio? Bill collectors. And actual karate masters. And real actors. Italians. You know: people.”

• “Gay men love Ann Coulter. It’s because two minutes into hearing her speak, they remember why they hate p—y.”

Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe

Christopher Polk/Getty Images

Rob Lowe:

• “After listening to your last album, [Jewel], I think you should go back to sleeping in your car with the engine running and the garage door closed.”

• “Jewel has performed for the pope. In fact, it’s the reason the pope insists on always being in a soundproof glass box.”

• “Everyone is asking, why is Ann Coulter here tonight? Because the right-to-lifers wanted everyone to see what abortion looks like up close.”

• “Ann has never had kids. She is so anti-immigration, her vagina won’t allow anymore in the country.”

• “Ann, after your set tonight, we’ve all witnessed the first bombing that you can’t blame on a Muslim.”

• “It’s 56 days to Halloween. But I see that Ann Coulter is already in her skeleton costume.”

• “SNL has just released a compilation of David’s best sketches: It’s called The Best of Chris Farley.”

• “Peyton’s here tonight to show Zika babies it could really be much worse.”

• “[Pete], I do think you’re going to be the next Adam Sandler, and I knew it the moment I saw David Spade blowing you before the show.”

• “Black Lives Matter. Not enough to have a black person on the dais, but trust me. They matter.”

 

Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe

Christopher Polk/Getty Images

Peyton Manning:

• “NFL insider Rob Lowe here tweeted out to the entire world that I was retiring from football. Not five months ago, when I actually did retire, but five years ago…Rob, I never tried to ruin your big moments. I didn’t tell people when The Grinder got cancelled. Or when Dr. Vegas got cancelled. Or when Lyon’s Den got cancelled. Or when Moonbeam City got cancelled. Or when your Direct TV commercials got cancelled. Heck, I was just thinking that if you’d have been quarterback for the Broncos last year the friggin’ Super Bowl would’ve been cancelled.”

• “Rob Lowe, the only thing you are consistently on is Twitter, which is surprising because you have never been able to master one character, let alone 140.”

• “I’m not the only athlete up here. As you know earlier this year, Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby.”

• “David Spade, you went out and got a business degree from Arizona State. Although to be fair, we all know that a business degree from Arizona State is a bar towel that says, ‘You Read Good.'”

Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe

Christopher Polk/Getty Images

Rob Riggle:

•”Rob, in both your sex tapes, you appeared with two other people. Good God, man. You can’t even carry a sex tape. You’re like the me of sex tapes. Self-deprecating! Beats you to the punch!”

• “If Ann Coulter is here, someone must have said her name three times. Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!”

• “‘Hey look, it’s Ralph Macchio! How cool is that?’ Said no one, ever.”

• “The only thing shorter than David Spade is Jewel’s greatest hits album.”

• “Rob, you’re a good friend and a good man, and I can’t wait to see what failed pilot we’re going to do next year.”

 

Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe

Christopher Polk/Getty Images

Jeff Ross:

• “It’s great to be here at the Comedy Central Roast of White Privilege. I know what you’re thinking: ‘Where are the black people?’ We actually booked two. They’re just not here yet.”

• “What can I say, Jewel? You’re the only jewel who gets less valuable with age.”

• “Ralph Macchio, it’s amazing how The Karate Kid prepared you for the rest of your life: Wax the car, sweep the floor…”

• “Rob Lowe. Or as the girls in the sex tape said, ‘Rob, no.”

• “Is it true that you’re deaf in one ear? That could be a real problem sometimes, because you can’t hear the girl’s parents coming home.”

• “The truth is, Rob, roasting you wasn’t easy. I mean, what can I really say about you that hasn’t already been said in court by three nannies, a chef and an underage girl from Atlanta?”

• “I just got Peyton Manning’s first book. It’s called Football Good. Fire, Bad.”

• “Ann Coulter wants to help [Donald] Trump make America great again. You can start by wearing a burka. You have a face that would make doves cry. That voice, it’s like fingernails on a chalkboard in an inner-city school you wanna defund.”

• “Ann is against gay marriage. What is your thinking on that? If I can’t get a husband, they can’t either?”

Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe

Christopher Polk/Getty Images

David Spade

• “For years, Rob Lowe had a sex addiction. But he cured it by getting less famous.”

• “That’s right: We’re here to honor one of the biggest stars of 1987, with some of the biggest stars of 1984.”

• “Our younger audience might now know who Rob Lowe is. So kids, this is who your mom thinks about when she’s f–king your dad.”

• “Some of you may know Rob from The West Wing. Rob, I assume your pal Charlie Sheen helped you out with that. He’s used to working with aids.”

• “Rob was in Austin Powers 16 years ago. Can you believe it’s 16? Or as he calls it, 18.”

• “Rob has been sober 26 years. To put that in perspective, if sobriety was a baby, he would have f–ked it 10 years ago.”

• “Rob has been called the comeback kid. No I read that wrong. Rob has come on a kid. Glad we got that out of the way.”

• “It’s not easy being Rob. He said being so handsome made it difficult for him to find meaningful roles. I wanted to ask Brad Pitt about that, but he was too busy acting in meaningful roles.”

• “Rob came up at a time when a sex tape could really ruin your career. But Rob had to do it the hard way: with his acting.”

• “Rob’s secret for his face looking so good? Having a thousand women sit on it.”

• “Many of you know Rob from Parks & Rec. A lot of you know him from The West Wing. A couple of you know him from Grinder. And if you swiped right, you met him in person 10 minutes later.”

• “Ralph’s only chance to be in a blockbuster when away when it went out of business.”

• “You might know Ralph from The Karate Kid. If you don’t know him from that, you don’t know him.”

• “Is Pete white? Is he black? Ann Coulter needs to know so she can decide if she hates him.”

• “Ann hopes the Republicans can hold onto the House so she can still haunt it.”

• “She seems stiff and conservative, but Ann gets wild in the sheets. Just ask the Klan. It looks like she’s having a good time. I haven’t seen her laugh this hard since Trayvon Martin got shot.”

(Originally published on Monday, Sept. 5, 2016, at 2:00 p.m. PDT.)

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